Dear Sassy,

I love baking and constantly have a Ziploc bag of cookies in the fridge in my dorm’s kitchenette. But someone keeps stealing them! How do I find out who the mystery thief is?
Sincerely,

Angry Baker

Dear Angry,
It’s time to bake an extra special batch of cookies. In this batch you will put a generous amount of any number of strong laxatives. Put some M&Ms in them to make them look particularly inviting. After you see that they’ve been stolen, keep a sharp lookout for the person making a trip to the bathroom every five minutes. If this trick doesn’t work, hide in your kitchenette with a baseball bat. Protect your cookies at all cost.

Dear Sassy,

Because it’s my first year at college, I am terrified of gaining the “freshman fifteen”. Do you have any tips on how I can resist temptation and keep off the pounds?
Sincerely,
Staying Slim

Dear Staying,

You certainly should be worried about the “freshman fifteen.” If you even gain so much as five pounds, you will lose your friends, your grades will plummet, and your family will disown you. You will be so disgusted with yourself that you’ll throw away that 5 dollar mirror you got at Wal-Mart. If you are so opposed to gaining a little weight, just do simple things. Don’t eat pizza or drink soft drinks. Instead of cheesecake, have an apple for dessert. Work out a few times a week and when winter comes around, play broomball. Otherwise, relax and buy some stretchy sweatpants.

DearSassy,

Last week I took an exam and a kid cheated off of me. I saw him looking right at my paper several times. I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I tell the professor about it? Should I confront the cheater?
Unsure Test-Taker

Dear Unsure,

You are lucky. You have the perfect opportunity to completely ruin someone’s year. If it can be proved that he cheated, he will face incredibly harsh consequences. He will fail the class and face expulsion from the University. Before you ruin his year, consider if he deserves it or not. Has he been rude in class? Has he displayed the traits of an idiot? Has he ever slept through a lecture? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, go ahead. Tell the professor what you know, let the investigation begin, and sit back and enjoy the show.