Dear Sassy,
This past Halloween, things got a little out of hand.  I threw a party at my house and a bunch of my stuff was stolen, including my phone.  However, there were underage drinkers at the party so reporting the crime might get me in trouble if the police ask me who was present that night.  How do I get my stuff back?
Sincerely,
Regretful Partier

Dear Regretfull,
Finding your phone should be your first priority.  When you find it, call a good lawyer and hopefully you can avoid being kicked out of school for serving alcohol to minors.  If this fails, you’ll then need it to call an unemployment agency.
To prevent further thievery, consider following the law and not giving alcohol to minors in the first place.  Try surrounding yourself with friendly, sober individuals who will not raid your room and steal your personal affects.  Maybe this will teach you that wild nights you don’t remember aren’t as great as you once thought.  Stop trying to reenact The Hangover.

Dear Sassy,
I’m nervous about going back home for Thanksgiving break.  I have a feeling that my parents and I will clash.  I just got a new tattoo and a girlfriend that I doubt mom and dad will approve of.  Is there anything I can do to prevent conflict?
Sincerely,
Wary returner

Dear Wary,
This is a great opportunity for your parents to get to know the real you.  Your time in college has transformed you into a more perfect person and you should share that with your family.  I am not sure exactly why your parents wouldn’t like your new girlfriend, but don’t be afraid of what they will think, let them embrace her differences.
Start by bringing your new girlfriend home with you.  That way she can have a nice chat with your parents before she falls asleep sprawled on your living room couch eating the chocolate ice cream bought for your little brother.  You can then show your parents your tattoo and explain how the rose wrapped in barbed wire symbolizes the undying love you have for your girlfriend, who is now scavenging for leftovers in your fridge (without asking).   You’ll then have a lively, enjoyable family dinner when your parents will laugh about all of your girlfriends in a non-offensive, lighthearted manner and you’ll have a heart-to-heart talk about the next tattoo you’re getting (a tribal band around your arm with the word “hope” in it).
Be warned, such intense family bonding may require a reprieve during the Christmas and summer holidays.

Dear Sassy,
While being at college, I have been growing distant from my religion.  Without the pressure of my family and friends from home it’s been hard to remain faithful.  How can I re-connect?
Sincerely,
Wavering worshipper

Dear Wavering,
It is clear that your faith is deeply important to you.  So important, in fact, that a brief separation from your family is shaking its very foundations.  You are so eternally committed that a mere geographic separation from your place of worship severs you from the beliefs you have been taught since you were an infant.  It appears that if you really wish to re-connect, you’d better live in your parent’s basement, where your faith is just a hop, skip, and a jump away.
The other option is to find another method to fulfill your spiritual needs that will not dwindle every time you move a few hundred miles away.  Find out what makes you truly happy, what makes you smile and warms your heart, no matter what.  I suggest you put your faith in that.