Dear Sassy,
I’m indecisive lately about my course of study at college. My major is turning out to be not quite what I expected, however I am set to graduate in a year and a half. Should I follow my true passion, or graduate with the degree I am pursuing and save time and money?
Sincerely,
Major Predicament

Dear Major,
Time and money are much more important than following your dreams and overall happiness. However, I do recommend a change of major, but not to the one you are passionate about. Choose a major that will give you the most money in the least amount of time. Construct your own major to achieve this objective. Some classes you could take may include Economics and Contemporary Bank Robbery and The Financial Implications of Drug Dealing. You should also include some cultural classes such as Smuggling across Borders or Con Artists of Modern Europe.
Be sure to include some genuine work experience as well. To really make the big bucks quickly, seek out an internship with a drug cartel or gambling ring. These jobs will make you rich in dollars and gritty, real world experience.
When it’s all said and done, you may end up a lonely convict. But look at the positives. Although you didn’t follow your dream or passion, you made a lot of money, quickly while it all lasted, which is what you wanted, right?

Dear Sassy,
As the holidays get closer and closer, I get an irresistible urge to splurge. Right after I buy my dad his annual tie, I pick up a new top for me. And not a minute goes by after purchasing my little brother his new board game when I spot a pair of flip-flops I just have to have. How can I control myself?
Sincerely,
Out-of-Control Shopper

Dear Shopper,
Clearly when you enter a store you see red. Sales must be conquered, clothing racks must be demolished. However, this shopping addiction is not your problem. The issue you should be addressing is why you apparently insist on getting your dad a tie every year and your younger brother a board game.
Your dad is no doubt tired of getting cheap tie after cheap tie for Christmas. Worse than the initial disappointment is the embarrassment he feels when he wears the ties to work, strictly to humor you of course. Break out of the mold and buy his favorite movie or a gift certificate to a good restaurant.
When there are games like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, why would your little brother want a board game? Get the kid a PS3 game, or at least a cool action figure. It seems you are so impaired by your shopping addiction that you can’t even put a little thought into the gifts for your very own family.
In short, stay inside during the holidays; let someone else do your holiday shopping. Be sure to do some self-reflection on why you buy such horrible gifts.

Dear Sassy,
I would really like to play varsity basketball next year, but I am concerned it will be too much to take on and my grades will suffer. Should I take the risk, or play it safe?
Sincerely,
Bewildered Baller

Dear Bewildered,
Because life should never be hard, don’t play basketball. The numerous physical and social benefits that come from playing a varsity sport are only a mask for the insurmountable challenge and unbearable responsibility that are inevitably attached. For the sake of your delicate, labor fearing mentality do not join the team under any circumstances.
There are, however, many activities that you could engage in which would not negatively impact your coveted GPA. One activity, commonly known as “vegging”, allows you to spend your spare time in an unchallenging, un-stimulating manner. Tune your television set to a dull, non-controversial television program that is so devoid of rational, useful information that it will not challenge your intellect nor will it be physically stimulating in any way. This will allow you to focus on your grades completely.
Risks never got anyone anywhere. Look at Martin Luther King, Harvey Milk, or FDR. They took risks and now no one remembers them.