The Lode at Michigan Tech » America

KSO Finishes Season with Jamie Bernstein

Nick Blecha — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:30:57 +0000

The Keweenaw Symphony Orchestra finished off the 2009-10 season on Apr. 17 with their performance of The Bernstein Beat at the Rozsa Center. Featuring guest Jamie Bernstein, the concert showcased several works from famed conductor and composer Leonard Bernstein, including music from “On the Town” and “West Side Story.”
Jamie Bernstein, daughter of Leonard Bernstein, narrated the concert. Over the course of the hour-long event, she explained to the audience about her father’s life and how it influenced his music.
She told, for example, about how his mother would take him to the synagogue, where listening to the cantor, readings from the Torah, and the shofar (a horn instrument made from a ram’s horn, which the KSO was able to borrow for the concert) kindled an interest in music at an early age.
She also explained some of his other musical influences; such as the contrast of the “cool” jazz and the “hot” Latin American rhythms in the Prologue to West Side Story.
In between Bernstein’s narrations, the KSO performed several of her father’s works, including “Meditation” from Mass, and “Mambo,” “Cool,” and “America” from West Side Story. For some of these, Bernstein worked in some audience participation. During “Mambo” she invited the audience to shout out “Mambo!” at the appropriate time, explaining, “You really have to! It’s in the score, even the orchestra has to!” Also, to demonstrate how the unusual nine-beat rhythm of “Meditation” worked, Bernstein invited nine kids from the audience onto the stage.
From there, she explained how any rhythm could be divided into two- and three-beat parts, which she referred as “hot dogs” and “hamburgers” respectively. She then gave each of the children a red foam board to hold up, and gave four of them a yellow board to clip onto the red one, which indicated the “strong” beats. With her demonstration in place, she had the kids call out “hot dog” and “hamburger” in time with the rhythm as their “beat” came up.
The KSO, for their part, performed very well given some of the most difficult music they’ve played this season. During the concert, Bernstein complemented KSO director Dr. Joel Neves and the orchestra.
Near the end of the performance, she told the audience “you are lucky to have them here.”
Following the concert, Bernstein and Neves were both available in the Rozsa lobby to talk with members of the audience.
The KSO will return in the Fall of 2010 with a concert at the Calumet Theater, where they will perform Edward Elgar’s Enigma Variations.

Culture Shock #19

Jun (Miles) Ni — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:19:47 +0000

Last week, last article! 10 days to leave Houghton and 13 days to leave America! I’m doing this countdown at least 10 times a day. I cannot wait any more to go back home. I know you guys have the same feeling, don’t you? Well, first thing first, before we leave school, we need make sure all the final exams are doing well. I don’t want to bring a bad GPA with me to home. It’s shame. Chinese go back home only with awards.
This last one is kind like a wrap up for my column this year.
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for reading my articles this school year. It has been a great time for me to write this column. It gives me a chance to think about how different culture is between two countries. Hope you guys enjoyed those articles and have some general ideas about my country after reading them. China is still a miserable place for most western country people. There are too many thing need be found out. But because of my knowledge limitation, I’m afraid I have to stop at this point and leave more rooms for you guys to discover by yourselves. Just like what I’m doing here.
Culture is a very interesting topic to talk about. It affects how people think, live and make decisions. People respect each other from different culture backgrounds. I’m going to take a class called Communication Between Different Cultures next fall. It should be fun. So I can learn this from a professional way.
Final exams week is almost here. I bet all of you are working super hard to get a good grade to stay on the den’s list. So do I. From my past experience, if you take some time review all you have learned this semester and do some practice exams, you should be fine.
Do you have any friends graduating this May? Sure you do. It is always sad to say goodbye. There are five senior students are graduating from my organization and enterprise team. I promise I will pass the torch and teach new guys just like what I have been taught. Come back and visit any time you feel free. Tech is always your home!
Oh, by the way, please don’t be mad if I never reply your facebook messages. It has been blocked for a while in China. Can someone take care of my Happy Aquarium? We can talk on Skype though. Just search my real name on Skype you will find it easily. I’m a MILES of SMILE.
Well, here’s the end of the column. But our life will keep going, on the journey to success. I love you all and have a great summer. See you next fall!

Money spent, people as objects

Elijah Haines — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:44:44 +0000

The amount of attachment we have to objects is obscene. A few days ago, my new cell phone got its first scratch from loose change in my pocket; it wasn’t a good day. Despite being personally disgusted with this attachment, I regularly place material objects and acquisition of money as a top priority. Maybe I’ll blame Wal-Mart or our consumer-driven economy. Maybe I’ve been brain-washed by the bourgeoisie. Or maybe I’m just selfish and like to have pretty things. Needless to say, I’m a capitalist pig.
Recent discussions in a philosophy class about capitalism and its influence on our character got me thinking about how money makes our American world go round, for better or for worse.
We all know that money is the root of all evil. It is surprising then, that we spend half of our lives laboring to acquire more of it. Karl Marx had some pretty interesting ideas about the true value of human labor. It’s a shame so many immediately associate Marx to figures like Stalin and Mao. Although those dictators promoted a political system based vaguely on Marxist ideals, they hardly give a good indication of successful practice of Marxist philosophy in society. So before you blacklist me, hear me out.
After reading some of his writings, I began examining the role of money in our society. Marx believed that a person being paid for their labor was alienating and degrading. At first, this idea seemed ridiculous to me. A person who puts in time and works hard should be compensated for it. But, oddly enough, prostitution helped put it all into perspective.
If a person had a one night stand, there is nothing too alarming about it. At worst it’s considered trashy, but it is perfectly legal and happens all the time- not a big deal. Having one too many drinks at an office Christmas party and waking up in your co-worker’s apartment usually won’t cause any moral outrage.
Now, if one paid 50 bucks for that one night stand, the act is perceived entirely differently. We now call it prostitution and denounce it as an immoral, dangerous and illegal act, unless you’re in Las Vegas. So why does the attachment of monetary value to a person’s services cause such a dramatically different perception? Obviously, the money objectifies that person. Their labor, which ordinarily would be done for love or enjoyment, is now a product to be bought and sold.
So why is the attachment of money to one service deplorable while attaching it to any other service is customary and not questioned at all? Isn’t human labor in any form worth valuing by itself? It’s something to consider. If I want to be a teacher, I should teach because I love it and believe it is important. How can hours spent teaching, an incredibly important job, be quantified in a dollar amount? Surely, the education of our children is priceless…like- well, a one night stand.
Granted, I’m not sure how you would thoroughly exercise this ideal into our society. But I don’t wish to lay out a practical plan for Marxist revolution in American. Instead, I’d like to encourage others to examine how monetary compensation affects their occupational choices. Obviously money has to factor in. Otherwise we’ll end up in the proverbial van down by the river. But if income were absolutely not a factor, I wonder what we’d all choose to do. If I wasn’t being paid to write this article, I wonder if it would have ever been written. I told you I was a capitalist pig.
Unfortunately, where we live, what job we have and what college we go to are all heavily influenced by how much money they will put in or remove from our bank accounts.
It’s important to remember that in your eulogy, they’ll say the names of your family and friends. They’ll talk about how you liked to spend your free time and where your favorite vacation spot was. But not once will they mention the amount in your checking account.
Although I regret to end this article on such a sappy, cliché note, I believe Marx (among other philosophers) is on the right track regarding the compensation of human labor. Maybe in the years ahead, the United States can grow up, look past the stereotype of Marxist philosophy and use it to our benefit. Because the more I learn about capitalism, the more its glorified, golden image begins to fade and its weaknesses are revealed.

Culture Shock #18

Jun (Miles) Ni — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:27:31 +0000

Two more weeks! How are you guys doing? These two weeks are really important and you shouldn’t waste any time. From my experience, a good exam grade can bump your final grade at least one level. Of course, if you slack off during these two weeks, you may have to retake some of your classes next year.
These two weeks are probably longer for me than anyone else. I cannot wait to go back home. I had a dream last night that I met my family and high school friends. The dream was so sweet that I didn’t wake up from it. I almost missed my 9am class today. I didn’t realize I would miss home so much. I have never told you guys about my family background. I think now is the time.
I was born in a teaching family. My grandpa and my parents are all teachers. That‘s how they figured out how to send me abroad to get a better education. Being a teacher is not the best way to earn money. My parents are not rich but they still spends thousands of thousands dollars on my tuition fee. Compared to American college students, I feel so bad that I still rely on my parents. When I was China, I heard that Americans were very independent since they were teenagers. My own experiences prove this.
All my American friends pay for college by themselves. Some of them have scholarships and some of them work hard to make the money. In China, it is a totally different culture. Because of the “one child policy”, most of the families have only one child. Parents take care of everything for us. We are a so-called “spoiled generation”. Some still live off parents’ money when they are 30’s.
In Chinese culture, family is the strongest social structure. China used to be a monarchy for thousands of years. The Imperial family can only inherit the position of being a king. Man has absolutely all the power in a family. A son has to obey his father. Because of this, lots of businesses in China are family businesses. It passes from one generation to another for hundreds of years. In this way, lots of unique skills are saved and the torch gets passed along. Maybe that’s why my mom chose to be a teacher and married my dad who’s also a teacher. Hundreds of times, my dad told me the best job for me is to be a university professor. Unfortunately, I have no interest in teaching. Sorry mom and dad, I probably will end to being an engineer instead of a teacher. I feel bad that I end the “family business”. Well, not really. I can make my son to be an engineer then and start my own business.
Nowadays, things get a lot better. But the whole family theory is still strong in the society. Once you have your child, you no longer live for yourself. You are living for your child. That’s the core of your life. At least my mom told me her life was changed the day I born. All she thinks of is about me. Parents spend so much on taking care of their children that they also expect equal payback. Usually, your first month salary is supposed to be given to your parents. It means you’re starting to make money and taking responsibility to support your parents. Health insurance in China is way worse than in America. Parents expect that they can live on their children when they get old. Also, children have the responsibility to take care of their old parents.
Thanks to my parents, I can have such a good education. It’s my goal in my life to let them have a wonderful old age.

Culture Shock #17

Rachel Plafchan — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 16:04:42 +0000

How was your Easter this year? Some of my friends went back home for weekend and some got tons of cookies and snacks from parents. It made me miss my parents again. Anyway, in three more weeks I’m getting out of here and going back to China! I haven’t had a chance to go back home since I came here in September 2008. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Can you imagine leaving home for almost two years?
Although I have over 200 Facebook American friends and get so close to my friends’ families that I feel I have my second home here, I’m still a guest in this country. So many times I was asked about my future plans. Honestly, I really don’t know. On one hand, I really don’t want to stay in school for another five years to get a PhD degree. On the other hand, the job situation right now is really bad in China and the U.S. I hope the economy will get better when I graduate two years from now.
Compared to China, the U.S. has a higher standard of living and I can definitely make more money here. Lot of Americans I talked with cannot believe people can still survive by earning such less money in China. Let’s do some visualization here.
One big reason I’m going back to China is because I got an internship job in Shanghai through a U.S. company downstate. They decided to send me to China since they have a facility there. In my offer letter, it says I will get paid ¥50 daily. ¥ is the symbol of Chinese currency. Converted to the U.S. dollar, it is $7.35. In another word, I earn less than a dollar an hour. This is not a joke! Although I have a professional engineering job, I’m making less money than a waiter does.
You may wonder how I can live on such little money. Well, the point here is that living in China costs less. Everything is cheaper in China. Seven dollars is enough for me to stay in a small apartment and buy groceries. But I don’t think there will be too much left after that. No entertainment for me this summer. Generally, living cost such as food and rent are only quarter of the price here. That’s how it works out. I complained about this to my parents, but they told me I should feel lucky that I got this internship. Students in China would like working for free to get experience. As I said before, everything is cheaper in China, including labor. Have you ever thought about why 80% of products in America are made in China? The answer is here: cheaper labor gives companies more benefits. Companies can hire six Chinese workers instead of one American worker with the same cost.
I’m pretty sure some of you will ask: are you guys idiots? Actually, this is a very good trade for China. International companies offer lots of job opportunities and help push the economy forward. Even the business tax is a big contribution to the government.
Although I won’t have any savings from this coming summer, I’m still pretty pumped for my first real job. But I’m afraid my old man will have a tough summer—
his troblremaker is back again!

Ask Sassy

Jeremiah Baumann — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 12:28:29 +0000

Dear Sassy,
I’ve been on a mad search for a job this summer. However, I’m worried my resume may not be up-to-snuff. Before I hand it out to every business in town, do you have any tips to make my resume stand out from the crowd?

Sincerely,
Rubbish Resume

Dear Rubbish,
Making your resume memorable is crucial in your search for your dream job. However, you will be met with a lot of competition, particularly in the summer months when desperate high school and college students scramble to scrape up enough money to cover their cell phone bills and student loan interest.
I would avoid the traditional methods of creating a memorable resume. Heavier, colored paper has been done before. Choosing the best template on your word processor certainly won’t present anything new. You need something with more impact.
The trick is to not focus on your resume, but the extravagant gifts that come with it. When you present your resume to a prospective employer, follow it up with a large basket filled with exotic fruits. Jewelry, Red Wings tickets and gift certificates are all appropriate means of persuasion. If you lack the creativity it requires to purchase a particular item, a stack of twenty dollar bills will make your resume unforgettable.

Dear Sassy,
My family is planning our annual road trip. It usually includes a twenty-hour drive with my little brother hitting me and my dad blaring Elvis at top volume the entire time. I honestly would rather just stay home, but I don’t want to hurt my family’s feelings. If I do go on the trip, do you have any survival tips?

Sincerely,
Reluctant road-tripper

Dear Reluctant,
Why the American family continually insists on going on road trips, I’ll never know. Similar to your experience, the majority of family road trips consist of a constant war in the backseat between siblings, countless picnics of smashed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Little Debbie snacks, and endless rounds of boring car games. Despite all of this, the tradition of the family road trip continues to flourish.
I admire your desire to go on the trip with your family. The only thing worse than spending hours in a car with your family would be the extreme guilt you feel when they bring you back a James Dean bobble-head from their trip through Indiana.
The best cure for a persistent family road trip is loud music, long naps and large bottle of peach schnapps.

Dear Sassy,
My neighbors, who I have only known a few months, recently asked me to watch their dog for a week. I assumed it would involve checking on the dog a few times a day to let it out and feed it. However, they want me to walk the dog five times a day and I have to brush the dog twice day. I want to help them out, but it just seems like they’re asking too much of me and overstepping neighbor boundaries. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Dejected dog-sitter

Dear Dejected,
They are indeed overstepping the polite distance required between neighbors. Intensive dog-sitting, as you have described, would be appropriate to ask of a close friend or family member. Because you have known them only a few months, dog-sitting does not even appear on the favor radar much less require you to oblige them.
Other favors which would similarly overstep your favor boundaries would be intensive house-sitting and helping with a move or any other heavy physical labor.
I suggest making up an excuse. You’re going out of town that weekend, so you couldn’t possibly look after Rufus. It’s your niece’s birthday party and she would be heartbroken if you weren’t there. Whatever the excuse, communicate it with confidence. And don’t feel guilty. If you asked them to move that heavy dresser from your attic to your basement, you can be sure that they would experience a sudden, shocking death in the family.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii reviewed

Jeremiah Baumann — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:50:33 +0000

In the history of video games, few franchises have been around as long as the Super Mario series. Few have been as influential. For a series that not only saved the American video game industry from extinction, but codified its genre twice (Super Mario Bros. for side-scrolling and Super Mario 64 for 3D platformers), any new game in the series will have a lot to live up to. New Super Mario Bros. Wii (NSMBW), Nintendo’s latest entry in the series seems to succeed in just that… mostly.
First things first: NSMBW is a sequel of sorts to New Super Mario Bros. on the DS. The older game was praised when it was released as a return to the classic Mario side-scrolling that made the series famous. NSMBW contains much of the same feel, but adds quite a few new elements to the gameplay. For example, in addition to the venerable Fire Flower, which allows Mario to shoot fireballs to instantly defeat most of his enemies, Mario can now find and use the Ice Flower, which he can use to freeze enemies, the Penguin Suit, which allows better control on ice and in water, and the Propeller Suit, which enables the player to send Mario spinning upwards by shaking the Wii remote. NSMBW also adds some new stage elements, like large spinning platforms and view-obstructing clouds, that weren’t present in the DS game.
Another much-talked-about feature is the introduction of cooperative multiplayer. For the first time, multiple players can complete a stage at the same time. Player 2 takes control of Luigi, while Players 3 and 4 control blue and yellow Toads (little people wearing mushroom clothing). Although this can be fun for patient players, or for an experienced player to show another the ropes, the game is clearly designed as a single-player experience, and it shows.
Also, this game is hard. Even experienced players will likely have a tough time making it through a few of the stages, particularly the later ones. To help alleviate this, Nintendo included the controversial “Super Guide” feature. After failing to complete a stage eight times, a green block will appear at the beginning of the stage. Hitting the block will show a video of Luigi playing through the stage. If the video is watched to the end, the player will have the option to skip the stage. Although this has been controversial, it should be noted that the feature is completely optional, and that a level “skipped” can be visually distinguished from a level properly cleared.
So, is this game worth the $50 price tag? For the old Mario crowd, it is clearly a must-buy. For others, it depends. While the game is sheer platforming gold, a lot of it is recycled. Much of the music and almost all of the graphics are simply the cleaned-up DS New Super Mario Bros. music and graphics. The music that isn’t carried over from the DS is almost all remixes of older Mario tunes. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing–hearing the old airship music from Super Mario Bros. 3 is just plain awesome–it does result in a bit of déja vu. A few other things could have been improved as well–the game allows the player to carry an inventory of power-ups to use on the world map, but the only mini-game to get those items gets old really fast. Mixing it up with a couple different mini-games would have been a big improvement. Ultimately, though the game is good enough that it’s worth a try from anyone, it has enough flaws that for anyone besides a Nintendo fanboy, there is no reason to feel bad about missing it.

Culture Shock #14

Jeremiah Baumann — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:34:44 +0000

Welcome to week seven! Are you still fighting for your exams or papers? Throw your books away for a couple of minutes and enjoy another culture shock!
I hope you guys liked the Traditional Chinese Medicine articles I wrote the past two weeks. There is still lots stuff to talk about, but due to my knowledge limitation I have to stop there for now. Traditional Chinese Medicine is still a developing technology and it is borrowing knowledge from Western medicine. We do have some medicines that combine Chinese and western medicines together. They work efficiently on your body and don’t have many side effects to other organs.
Before starting this week’s topic, we need take a quiz first. Have you guys ever noticed that there are two words very similar to each other? China and china. Do you know how this came to be? In ancient China, China was famous for china and silk. They were exported by enormous amounts every year. Because of they are so popular and the way to make them is so unique, mid-eastern merchants named china from the country that made it. However, the Chinese meaning for my country is not just a kind of porcelain. In Chinese, it means the “the center of the world”. Maybe it sounds arrogant, but it does tell something about China 600 hundreds year ago.
During the 14th and 15th century, when North America was still a mysterious land, China was the most powerful country in the world. It was the economic center of East Asia and its products were shipped to the entire world. After a couple hundred golden years, the leaders of the Chinese empire were too self-confident to learn new technology from other countries. When western countries were having an industrial revolution, China was still making handmade silk and china.
The efficiency of machines made a huge challenge for Chinese traditional manufacturing. Compared to western advanced technology, our own technology seems to be falling behind and the production speed is much slower than machines. Many of the manufacturing business went bankrupt and lots of traditional manufacturing skills were lost. My grandma was a tailor, but she lost her job after companies imported machines. When she lost her job, her fantastic sewing skill was also lost and didn’t get a chance to be passed to others.
As China becomes more and more involved in worldwide business, the Chinese culture is changing slowly year by year. At the beginning of 21st century, China began to worry about losing her traditional culture. Nobody wanted to learn old-school stuff anymore. The Life style has changed and the culture is becoming more and more westernized.
Culture shock is everywhere and it is somehow changing the world. People from different cultural backgrounds respect each other and make their life better by taking benefits from other living styles. I think the diversity of culture is the key to making the world colorful. Do you agree with me?

Culture Shock #17

Jeremiah Baumann — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 04:58:52 +0000

I hope all of you had an awesome Winter Carnival last week and are ready to switch the gear back to studying. I know this week and the week following are exam weeks for most of you. Work hard and get a score that you deserve to have.
I apologize that I didn’t have time to continue my column last week. I was busy with my school stuff and tried to finish them before Winter Carnival. Are you ready for this week’s?
When I was in class last week, I felt a little bit sleepy and took out a small red container. “What’s in it?” my friend asked.
“Smell it.” I open the cap and handed to him. He smelled it and bent his brows.
“What is this? It smells weird,” he asked again.
“My mom sent it to me. It is a Chinese medicine. It can help you stay awake. You want to try it?” He gave it back to me with his head shaking. Are you curious about this? This is just an example about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM).
China is a country with 5,000 years of history. Medical care is a big reason that China has survived in East Asia for thousands of years. Much of the philosophy of traditional Chinese medicine derives from the same philosophy that influences Taoist and Buddhist thought and reflects the classical Chinese belief that the life and activity of individual human beings have an intimate relationship with the environment on all levels. Based on this, Chinese academics of various schools have focus on the observable natural laws of the universe and their implication for the practical characterization of humanity’s place in the universe. Chinese doctors usually spend their whole life trying to discover new medicinal plants. They travel through the whole country and test unknown plants on themselves. Some of them even lose their lives because of poisonous plants. The most famous Chinese index book of herbs is Bencao Gangmu. It includes over 3,000 plants with their drawing and medicinal functions.
Even now, TCM is still popular in China. Approximately 500 Chinese herbs that are in use today, 250 of them are very commonly used. Rather than being prescribed individually, single herbs are combined into formulas that are designed to adapt to the specific needs of individual patients. An herbal formula can contain anywhere from three to 25 herbs. This is a complex theory. We even have TCM major in Chinese medical colleges.
Compared to western medicine, TCM is a long-term treatment. However, because it’s 100 percent natural, it has fewer side effects to the human body. Western medicine can heal your body very quickly, but those combined chemicals will stay in your body and harm your organs, especially the liver and kidneys. My grandma has had nephropathy since her 40’s and she has been taken prescription medicine for 20 years. Her kidneys are still in a good condition and haven’t had any more trouble.
The Chinese medical care system is a combination of science, philosophy, and culture. Herbal medicine is just a small part of it. To most Americans I think acupuncture is most familiar. Want to know more about it? I will follow up the TCM in the coming few weeks. I really want to introduce this great culture to you guys. Hope you like it and I will see you next week!

Ask Sassy

Jeremiah Baumann — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 19:55:42 +0000

Dear Sassy,
It has only been a few weeks into the new year and I cannot seem to keep my resolution to exercise. I promised myself that I would work out at least three times a week and I have yet to go to the gym once. How can I motivate myself to make a new me?
Sincerely,
Renegade Resolutionist

Dear Renegade ,
Not all resolutions are created equal. It’s possible you simply do not possess the self-control and discipline to accomplish your goal made undoubtedly in a champagne-induced moment of optimism on the stroke of midnight. This is why resolutions are best made on New Year’s Day, when you are able to comprehend that a new calendar does not necessarily represent a new you.
Because your will is not strong enough to take on the challenge of regular physical exercise, I will suggest a few stepping stones you might take which will help you get to the gym and “motivate yourself to make a new you” as you so eloquently put it.
Have a night in. Make some popcorn and watch a documentary on the heart disease epidemic in America. Then, before bed each night, hunker down with a hot cup of tea and a medical journal detailing the connection between obesity and diabetes. Hopefully this can help get you motivated. Happy New Year!

Dear Sassy
I just purchased my first home. It’s a great house in a small, nice neighborhood. However, my neighbors have been more than unfriendly ever since I cut down a small tree in the backyard. During a lecture by my peeved neighbor I learned that it was a 100 year old apple tree that apparently blooms during the summer, which she loved. How can I mend relations with my angry neighbors?
Sincerely,
Hated Neighbor

Dear Hated,
You need to move right away. Even if you managed to patch up relations after your butchering of a beautiful, ancient flowering tree, this incident is the first of a long string which will undoubtedly turn the whole neighborhood against you in time. If my prediction seems far-fetched or overly pessimistic, just give it time.
First you cut down the gorgeous tree that was planted eighty years before you were a plus sign on a pregnancy test. Surely this was to make more room for your fantastic backyard barbecues or perhaps a tacky ready-made shed to hold your over-sized lawn mower, shiny, fully fueled, and ready to wake the neighbors early on a Saturday morning. Or maybe I am being too harsh. Perhaps you wanted to beautify the lawn by dedicated a space to your lawn gnome collection. Your small army of garden gremlins will add that je ne sais quoi that will have the whole neighborhood talking.
If one or more of these ideas have passed, even fleetingly, through your mind, call a realtor and looking for a new home. Preferably one in a rural setting.

Dear Sassy,
I really messed up this past weekend. I got a little drunk and sent my girlfriend a text I really regret. I told her she looked like Judge Judy and now she won’t talk to me. Help me make up for my dumb mistake!
Sincerely,
Tipsy Texter

Dear Tipsy,
First of all, I don’t see how you could be in a relationship with anyone who even remotely resembles Judge Judy. That being said I think that there might just be to make amends for your thoughtless, though refreshingly honest, text.
The next weekend begin to text her again. This time, remain completely sober. Your texts however will all be about how drunk you are and how much fun you’re having. She will probably be expecting another offensive insult to appear in her inbox at any moment. This is precisely when you tell her she resembles Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, or any number of actresses regarded as beautiful by the general public.
Hopefully she won’t see through this thinly disguised attempt to win back her favor and all will be well.